
We often hear that divorce harms our children. However, a home life that’s full of unrest and unhappiness and is held together just for the sake of the children is not always the best answer. So what really leads to the most harm with children is the fighting between parents and custody issues.
1. You want to avoid fighting with your ex, especially in front of the children. Fighting puts children in an uncomfortable and often painful situation.
2. Children can get through this experience much easier when both parents can focus on doing what’s best for their kids. Parents need to put aside their differences.
3. Let your child know that both parents love them and will continue to raise them. Children need to know that this will not change.
4. Children will typically take longer to process the divorce. This is for good reason since they usually don’t know about the impending divorce until it’s almost underway. It’s at that point that most parents have spent months, if not years thinking about and planning for that separation and divorce. Therefore, parents usually have much more time processing this before their children do.
5. Listen when your child speaks. Allow your child to express their feelings without judgment. Don’t negate them. You can reflect back what you’ve heard them express. “It sounds like you are really angry at Mommy right now.” Allow them to talk and encourage them to do so.
6. Children need to remain children. Protect their innocence and refrain from having them be your confidante. If they’re feeling stressed sharing more information than necessary with them can add to their fear and anxiety. Kids should feel safe and loved.
7. Avoid talking negatively about your ex to your children. They love their parent and they deserve to have that protected. A child is a product of both parents so when you criticize your ex this personally hurts them too.
8. Provide structure and consistency. Oftentimes, divorced parents go to extremes by being either too lenient and unstructured some days to then being overly controlling on other days. When you feel as though your life is out of control because of the divorce you will often try to compensate by being overly authoritarian and micromanaging them. Try to avoid behaving with erratic parenting styles.
9. Your children didn’t ask for the divorce so maintaining a lifestyle that supports consistency in a positive way will help them process this experience easier. Try to keep your children’s lives the same as much as possible. Keeping their home, school, activities, friends, etc. the same will provide stability and structure during a difficult time. Often for financial reasons moving homes is necessary. Be open to staying local so that children can remain in a familiar environment.
10. Children will be moving back and forth between homes for visitation. This is an added stressor, which often causes them to act out when they get back into your home. As a parent you want to make this as smooth as possible for them. Refrain from asking them lots of questions right away. Give them time to settle in and limit the amount of questions. If they leave an item at the other house, don’t overreact, but instead help them to get it back.
11. When you’re having a bad day tell them it’s your issue and has nothing to do with them so they don’t take it personally. It’s about me – I’m having a hard time.
12. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Children need to know that they can rely on you and trust you completely.
13. Show up to events, even if your ex will be there. Often parents try to avoid each other but kids need to know that both parents are involved and are supporting them. Attending school functions and after school events such as sports is an important part of showing support for your child.
14. Schedule fun time with your kids. Often this can get overlooked when you get bogged down with the responsibilities of daily life.
15. Parents must practice really great self-care, which includes emotional support and physical support (sleep, healthy eating, fitness, pampering). And when your love tank is filled, you can more easily provide for your children without feeling drained.